Published: LifeLines for Health, vol. 5 (Summer 2015)

by Dr. Gary McClain, PhD

Our family members can certainly be a joy. Except when they’re not. In the right place at the right moment, even someone you love can seem like a pretty bad person, like when a family member:

• Accuses you of not holding up your end on the household chores, when you’re doing the best you can

• Tells you to “just think positive” when you try to talk about the challenges you’re dealing with

• Criticizes you for neglecting some aspect of taking care of a family member – or yourself – without understanding what really happened

• Just plain ignores you

When one member of the family is living with a chronic condition, everybody in the house is living with it because everybody is affected. And dealing with the challenges of a chronic condition can put your emotions on edge. Especially those days when you don’t feel so well, or when you’ve had yet another problem to solve, or when you feel like you’re spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere.

When you’re feeling on edge, a supportive family member can makea positive difference in your life by giving you the encouragement you need to have a better day. A smile, a few caring words, an offer to give you a helping hand... Who doesn’t feel better when a little love is tossed in their direction? And after all, isn’t that what you do for everyone else?

On the other hand... some days, family members aren’t able or willing to provide that encouragement and, instead, say something angry, or hurtful, or just not seem to care at all.

So if you are having one of those dark cloud days – and so is your family member – your cloudy day and their cloudy day on the same day equals the perfect storm. And when the storm hits, all you can see is what’s in front of you. Something relatively small – like the actions of a family member – may suddenly look very large. So large that, in fact, not only are their actions magnified, but so is the impact of these actions on your day. Those words of impatience may feel like the harshest thing they could ever say to you. Or, not noticing that you need some help may feel like the ultimate rejection. How could you possibly be this way!!!

What’s important to consider is that turning your loved one into a bad guy doesn’t make you feel any better, or at least not for long. It just gives you a target for your frustration. Along with an excuse to let your feelings bubble up and boil over, and shove reason and rational thinking off into the corner. You end up feeling that all of that negativity is justified. That means more suffering, and stress, for everybody in the house!

Making a family member the bad guy can drive a wedge between the two of you. You risk damaging a relationship with someone who plays an important role in your life!

So... when you’re having one of those days when your reactions to other people are a little over the top, here are some ideas to consider:

Take a step back and look at the situation objectively

Yes, our loved ones do things that disappoint us or make us mad. But the frustration or anger or disappointment that you are feeling may be part ofsomething much bigger, something going on with you. The people who are closest to us can also be the closest target for our frustration. Is it your family member, or is something else bothering you?

Try to identify what button is being pushed

When someone isn’t very helpful, or is unkind, we can be remindedof all the other times in our life when people weren’t very helpful, or treated us poorly, or bullied us. And feel that pain again. And when we are feeling this way, old resentments that we feel toward a loved one – resentment that we thought we had left in the past – can suddenly bubble up. Yes, it’s about that person, but it might also be about a lot of other people in your past. Do you see the pattern? Is there something that the two of you need to talk about and resolve? Or is it something that you need to do some more work on letting go of?

Stand back and get a wider view

Your family member’s current behavior may stick out like a sore thumb, but isn’t there more to the relationship than this moment in time? What do you most value about your relationship? What do you most admire about them? Recall a time when your family member was there when you needed them. Or a fun time that you enjoyed together. Or the loving manner in which they treated you yesterday. In other words, look at the big picture.

Consider the possibility that someone else is also having a bad day

It’s only human to have expectations for the people in our lives who are closest to us. But let’s face it; people don’t always meet our expectations. Your loved one may have something going on that they aren’t ready to share, or don’t know how to share. Is there anything you can do to make their day better?

Keep in mind that time doesn’t always heal all wounds

When someone close to you disappoints or angers you, it is easy to react by cutting them off. But when we stop communicating with someone, our minds have a way of rewriting the story, making the wound that much deeper, and turning a misdemeanor into a major crime. How about getting the communication going again, maybe starting out with making a kind gesture of your own, or offering to talk things out. Don’t let a tiff turn into a tragedy.

Do what you can to keep the communication going

Accept what you can’t do. Some family members may be unable or unwilling to be supportive, or at least as supportive as we need them to be. Expand your social network by bringing more supportive and caring people into your life. Let’s give everybody in the house some breathing space, starting with allowing each other to be human. After all, we are all in this together!

Gary McClain, PhD, LMHC, is a therapist, patient advocate, and author, specializing in helping clients deal with the emotional impact of chronic and life-threatening illnesses, as well as their families and professional caregivers. He works with them to understand and cope with their emotions, to learn about their lifestyle and treatment options, to maintain compliance with medical regimens, to communicate effectively with the medical establishment, and to listen to their own inner voice as they make decisions about the future. His email is: gary@JustGotDiagnosed.com. He welcomes your questions and comments.