Published: LifeLines for Health, vol. 4 (Winter 2014)
by Dr. Gary McClain, PhD
If you are living with the challenges of a chronic condition – or if your family member is – then this phrase most likely has special meaning to you. The successes, the frustrations, and those unexpected curveballs that can come your way.
But, yet you keep yourself going, one step at a time. How do you do it? Psychologists call that resilience. The ability to recover or adjust to misfortune or change. In other words, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting back on the path.
How’s your resilience these days?
My clients who are living with a chronic condition – and learning to roll with the ups and downs – often tell me that this experience has taught them to recognize their own resilience. They are able to tap into sources of strength, and to be resourceful, in ways they never thought possible. Yet, at the same time, one of those curveballs, or a series of curveballs, can leave you wondering if you’re all that resilient after all.
So you might ask: Are some people more resilient than others? In other words, is resilience a gift that some of are given while others aren’t so lucky? Actually, no. The good news is that resilience can be learned by following some basic guidelines for practicing resilience-building skills to develop a more resilient mindset. And practicing these skills can also help you to further strengthen your resilience. Kind of like toning up at the gym.
1. Take an inventory
Use the past as a teacher. Think about the rough spots that you have
hit over the years. What’s gone well for you? And not so well? Life’s tough lessons can leave us with a gift: experience. Review how you have dealt with challenges in the past. Use that learning to take an inventory of what’s in your resilience toolbox. This will help you to identify your strengths as well as to better understand what tools you want to add.
And then, decide to believe in yourself. Being a resilient person starts with believing in your own potential. Bolster your own self- esteem by giving yourself a daily pep talk, with messages like “I can do it” and “I’m ready to handle whatever comes my way.” Intention leads to action.
2. Stay Hopeful
Decide to focus on what’s going right in your life. Take the time to recognize the simple pleasures that exist all around you. Remind yourself of everything that is good in your life. Tell that bleak voice of negativity to be quiet, while you pay more attention to what’s possible.
3. Stay connected to your support network
Who’s in your court? Make a list of the people in your life that you count on to stand by your side when you need a listening ear, and who count on you in return. Stay in touch with them on a regular basis, including regular check-ins with each other. Schedule time together. Reach out when you’re feeling alone. Vent when you need to. Be supported and give support in return. We are all in this together!
4. Laugh (or at least smile)
Having a sense of humor is a great antidote for stress. And let’s face it, sometimes you just gotta stand back, shake your head, and laugh. Better yet, find someone who can have a laugh along with you. Humor helps you to maintain your perspective and avoid getting caught up in the downward spiral of helplessness. Humor and resilience go hand in hand.
5. Maintain your self-care
It (almost) goes without saying that, to be resilient, you need to feel your best. That means staying on top of your health by getting regular check-ups, staying in touch with your healthcare team between visits, being compliant with your treatment, and maintaining your self-care routine. By the way, this goes for children and parents! Just had to throw that in.
6. Update your knowledge – continuously
Stay abreast of the newest thinking about what you can do to take the best possible care of
yourself, and how your loved ones can take care of themselves. Medical science is constantly on the
move, so keep up with what’s new in treating your condition. Be your own expert. Knowledge is power!
7. Keep your problem-solving muscles exercised
When you bump up against a new challenge, go off by yourself and do some brainstorming. Define the challenge. Review your strengths, as well as the resources that you have to draw upon to solve it. Come up with a potential solution. By going through this process, you will have a clearer idea of what you can do, including what’s under your control, what you can’t control, and where you need help. This is resilience in action.
8. Accept that life is always changing
Humans are hard-wired to avoid change. But we know that life keeps moving, and that means that nothing stays the same forever. In other words, we aren’t in control of everything that occurs in our lives, even if we think we should be. Fighting change is like fighting against yourself, and your own potential for growth. So give up the battle and go with the flow. You’ll be surprised at how much more energy and optimism you’ll have.
9. Know who to ask for help, and then ask
Keep your resource list up to date. Part of being resilient is keeping track of the resources that you can draw upon when you need them. People who are willing and able to step inand lend you a hand or give you some guidance. Services and organizations that you can enlist. Information sources that you can tap into. Resilience doesn’t mean doing it alone, it means asking for help when you need it.
10. Have a vision for the future
Now, back to the hope thing. Take time to create a vision for the person that you want to be in life – how you want to live, what you want to accomplish, what you can do to be there for the people that you care about. Having a vision for our future motivates you to be more resilient. While you’re at it, create a vision for your family. Think: Optimistic. Realistic. Flexible.
11. And when the going gets tough... Remember that the tough go shopping
Shrink shopping, that is. If you need some additional help in strengthening those resilience muscles, then talking with a mental health professional can give you some additional perspective and help you develop new resilience skills as you face life’s challenges.
Two steps forward, one step back. But two steps forward again. Look how far you’ve come in the face of a lot of challenges. Celebrate your own resilience! And challenge yourself to build even more resilience into your life!
Gary McClain, PhD, LMHC, is a therapist, patient advocate, and author, specializing in helping clients deal with the emotional impact of chronic and life-threatening illnesses, as well as their families and professional caregivers. He works with them to understand and cope with their emotions, to learn about their lifestyle and treatment options, to maintain compliance with medical regimens, to communicate effectively with the medical establishment, and to listen to their own inner voice as they make decisions about the future. His email is: gary@JustGotDiagnosed.com. He welcomes your questions and comments.