Published: LifeLines for Health, vol. 8 (Fall 2016)
By Matthew Manela, LICSW, LADC
In today’s world we are put to the test every day. A typical day for many of us involves getting kids to school, picking them up from school, driving one to practice and then the other to Karate all while thinking about what to make for dinner and cooking dinner! This is only the beginning of the night...next comes homework, baths, making school lunches and bed! This is all after working an 8-hour day! This is a good day with no additional stressors and frustrations! Consider a not-so-good day where you hit traffic, are late for work, or forget an important appointment. How can people thrive and live their lives without becoming obsessed with anger?
First, let’s start with why we get angry. Anger is a secondary emotion that is triggered when we are afraid of something negative happening and blame someone or something for the negative situation that occurred. We then personalize the negative event and see the person or thing as causing the event. Anger serves as a response to protect ourselves from being harmed. In addition, we continue to stay angry because we are having a hard time accepting the event for what is. It is our reaction to the event that triggers and maintains our anger. The problem with anger is that, while we are angry, we are not living life to its fullest in a way that is important to us. In order to best illustrate how to cope with anger, I developed a 12-step model to manage your anger.
Step 1: Recognize that we are powerless over our initial response to anger.
The first step to anger management is to accept that we are powerless over our initial reaction to anger. Through our life experiences, we have developed automatic thoughts that are based on the events of our lives. Over time, these events have created a response to protect us from being harmed. Unfortunately, we can’t control our automatic thoughts but we can observe and notice our thoughts. It does not matter what your initial thought is, but rather, what you do with the initial thought that dictates what emotion you will experience. If your next thoughts are focused around blame and being wronged, then you will feel angry. If your thoughts are more neutral then you will feel an emotion that corresponds to your thought process. The goal in this step is to begin to observe your thoughts and your reactions to the events in your life and begin to identify patterns.
Step 2: Willingness to accept that adjusting perspective is a necessary part of changing the anger-response cycle.
My 12 step model follows the philosophy that the event is not the cause of your anger, rather, your thoughts about the event are responsible for maintaining anger. In other words, life has a series of ups and downs, no one made you angry but rather you allow yourself to continue to be angry. This may be a very different way of thinking about anger than you have previously considered. As
a result, shifting to this new way of thinking may be challenging. That is the reason Step 2 is about getting ready to adjust your thoughts and take more responsibility around your anger.
One of the most difficult parts of learning to manage your anger is making a decision to change. The reason it is so hard is because we can become obsessed over our unmet needs. When we are angry we may find it impossible to think of anything except that another is “wrong” and we are “right”. The question that I often get is “what if you are right?.” The problem with this question is that anger has nothing to do with whether you are “right.” The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you want to reduce and/or let go of your anger. To help make this decision you will need to think about and be clear about what is important to you. You need to ask yourself ‘how do I want others to see me?’ “What do I want my relationship with this person or this company to look like?” “How do I want to be remembered?” “What are my values and do these words and actions move me towards or away from meeting my values?”
Step 3: Make an inventory on what triggers us to get angry.
Once you have made the decision to reduce your anger, the next step is to observe your thoughts, expectations, needs and events that triggered your anger. In order to understand your anger and what triggers it, it is helpful to explore whether the thought that you are having is helping you move towards, or
away from your values. You want to explore if you are trying to control the situation with your anger, or if you are just reacting to the situation? Other factors to consider are the circumstances around you. Notice if anger episodes increase when you are tired or hungry. Notice what you were doing right before an anger episode and what impulses you experience. The reason for taking an Anger inventory is because it is your thoughts and perspectives that get you angry, not the event itself. If this is true, then knowing your triggers is a necessary step for anger reduction.
Step 4: Come to a full understanding of the Fear = Anger connection.
One of the biggest anger triggers is fear. The fear that I am referencing is based on our past experiences and are triggered in the present. For example, an individual with a learning disability may have been removed from their mainstream classroom as a child. A fear of not being liked or being different may develop. As an adult, when an event triggers the feeling of being left out an individual may become angry to protect themselves from being hurt. It is important to explore and identify your pain and how your fear tricks you in to thinking you can do something about it, by blaming others. When we get angry, we are trying to control
the event or person we see as causing our anger, instead of accepting it. In this step, we need to recognize how we are avoiding our pain. We need to decide what changes will bring us closer to being the person we want to be. This does not mean that we are powerless to change the negative aspects of our situation in the future, but rather, recognizing that staying angry does not help make the pain better over the long term.
Step 5: Compassion for others and not blaming them entirely allows us to be less angry.
In this step we move from collecting information about our anger, to making changes in the way we are thinking about the situation. To do this, we need to reduce the amount of blaming we are doing and replace it with compassion. What is compassion? Compassion is looking at an event or situation the way it is and not the way that we created it to be. Looking at things objectively is a difficult process. To increase objectivity, we need to reduce judgements and be open to alternative ways to explain other’s behavior. One way to do this is to adopt the philosophy that most people ‘s intentions are generally good. The reason we judge people is because the mind has a natural instinct to see things in black and white or right and wrong. However, when challenging your thoughts you need to bring compassion to your understanding of the current situation. You need to keep in mind while you’re practicing these skills that you don’t need to believe everything that the mind dishes up. Your job in this step is to try to bring compassion to what your mind comes up with. My suggestion is to practice this skill in places that only create simple frustrations. For example, try bringing compassion the next time you are waiting in a long line in the supermarket or in a traffic jam. Try focusing only on thoughts based on the facts of the situation.
Step 6: To identify that Anger-Triggering Thoughts are based on cognitive distortions (thinking errors). We recognize that these thoughts are based on assumptions and are not valid.
The thing about stressful emotions is that they only stay with us when we are feeding them with new negative thoughts. When we feel angry, we usually add to the original thought. For example, if I become angry that my son lied to me about something, I don’t usually say “Ok that’s fine.” My next thought is usually something like this - “That little bugger, he is always doing this to me.” No matter what you say to yourself, most likely it is based on an assumption, which causes a thinking error that maintains your anger. These are called cognitive distortions. When you are using cognitive distortions, you are also fusing with your anger. That is, you see your thoughts as 100% true and are not able to separate from your thoughts. When you fuse with your thoughts, you are not open to anything except how you are “right. “In this step, you learn to identify when you are fusing with your thoughts and using cognitive distortions . The following is some examples of cognitive distortions; should statements, jumping to conclusions, magnification, and over generalization. There are others but these are the main ones that create and maintain anger.
Step 7: To challenge and accept our cognitive distortions and move forward towards our values.
In this step, we are disproving the distortion and learning to separate from our thoughts. How can we separate from our thoughts?
In order to understand this concept you need to understand that we are not our thoughts and that our thoughts are not always true or accurate. In fact, thoughts are just thoughts. I might have a thought that I want a piece of cake but that does not magically make a piece of cake appear. The same rule applies to my thought that my coworker intentionally acted in a negative manner. Just because I think it, does not make it true. It may feel true and we may really convenience ourselves that it happened but without evidence, it’s not true. So what do we do with our thoughts? First, observe your thoughts and look at the facts. Next, notice your thoughts without giving them much attention. By just noticing your thoughts instead of feeding them you will begin the process of separating from your thoughts. You will begin to accept your thought. For example, let’s say that you are angry with a coworker. Which one feels better to you, my co-worker does not trust me or I am having a thought that my co-worker does not trust me. Telling yourself you are having a thought or noticing a thought allows you to accept your thought, which opens yourself up to more possibilities. It opens yourself up to looking at the issue in a different way and helps move towards actions that are important to you.
Step 8: To assert our needs and take responsibility for our actions.
Now that we have started the process of separating from our thoughts, we need to determine if we need to communicate about them. We don’t always need to tell someone that we are angry. Sometimes it makes sense to tell someone about your anger and problem solve with the person. In the spaces below, I have identified reasons we should communicate/problem solve.
To reduce the likelihood that you will hold onto a resentment
To reduce the chances that you will get angry at the same thing over and over again
To help others better understand your triggers
To help you accept the present
Gain clarity of your thoughts
To enhance understanding of your expectations
In deciding to engage in communication and problem-solving, we need to realize that we cannot expect others to act or think like ourselves. We can only take responsibility for our own actions and communicate what would be helpful for us while understanding that other people may not agree. When you communicate with someone you need to be willing to work with the person and have an open mind. Then together, we can begin to resolve an issue. For example, you decide to communicate your anger to someone for not understanding your needs. In order for that conversation to be helpful, you will need to be open to the other person’s point of view. If the two of you share your point of views with each other you are more likely to agree on a solution that you both are happy with. One tip when talking with someone, make sure you have done the other steps first. This way, you are clear why you are angry and you are not communicating while you are having angry thoughts. If you communicate while you are still angry your communication and ability to problem- solve suffers. We have a tendency to communicate things we don’t mean when we are still angry.
Step 9: To forgive or accept others and that our past resentments cause us to replay the same anger triggers over again.
In this step we are working towards accepting a situation for what it is and/or we are forgiving the person or thing involved. The word forgiveness is tricky because most people see forgiveness as saying that “what you did is Ok.” For our purposes, forgiveness is the process of accepting the situation and letting go of the event and being able to move forward. Forgiveness is for you and not the other person. It helps you move on and live a valuable life. In addition, forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.
For example, those who were alive for 9/11 know and remember the event like it was yesterday. I am sure you can tell me where you were when you heard the news. Although I have not forgotten, I have accepted the event and no longer hold on to the anger from that day.
The question I am often asked is “How do we forgive?” By the time you get to forgiveness you are already on your way. You have already acknowledged your anger, identified the hurt, fear, and judgement, and separated, and communicated your thoughts. The next part is making a decision to accept the situation for what it is by using the skills previously discussed and move closer to your desired view of yourself.
Step 10: The power of positive thinking and being in the present can help us maintain a more serene lifestyle.
Now that you have accepted the situation, it is now important to maintain your progress. In this step you are working on keeping your thoughts in the present and focusing your attention on the event and situation that you are participating in. Just like any other muscle you need to exercise your brain to learn to stay in the present. You will find if you practice staying present when you are not angry, then when you are tested, you will find it easier to work the anger management steps.
Another skill learned in this step is to increase your flexibility and your openness to possibilities. This takes practice. You can practice these skills in places that don’t cause too much anger. Perhaps the next time you are in the supermarket and you are annoyed by the cashier, you can practice identifying as many possibilities of why the line is moving slow. See if you can come up with positive and negative reasons. The purpose of the exercise is to open your mind up to the possibilities. It is not to be right. The better you get at different possibilities the better you will be at being flexible in the future. It is important not to compare yourself to other people, life is not a competition. Comparing yourself to others makes it hard to stay positive about the present. Instead, focus on what you like about your situation instead of what you don’t like.
Step 11: To continually take your inventory in order to maintain your hard work.
This step focuses around the maintenance of your newly learned anger management skills. In order to maintain your hard work, you need to keep paying attention to your thoughts and feelings on
a regular basis. Although, it is not possible to pay attention to your thoughts all the time, it is important to keep your values in the front of your mind and to stay focused on who you want to be, what you want your relationships with others to look like, and doing things that are important to you. Paying attention to your values allows you be open to different choices and possibilities. You also want to be aware of your triggers, thoughts, expectations and values. In this step you are focusing on what is important to you. The goal of this step is doing these things without feeding the anger tiger inside. It is important to be aware of what your barriers are to becoming the person you want to be. It is important to remind yourself of your values everyday so you can ask yourself, “Is this behavior and action towards or away from living the life I want to live?”
Step 12: Practice these principles and make a commitment towards your values
The final step is to help remind you to practice the principals on a regular basis in all areas of your life. It is important to practice these principles so when you get angry, (and you will get angry) you can handle your reaction and turn it around much faster. It’s important to remind yourself that it is up to you whether you will be driving yourself towards your values, or whether you will go on a detour. If there are barriers blocking your values, then you need to strengthen those skills by practicing. Practicing will help you to remove the barriers.
One thing to remember is that anger management is not an abstinence model. You will get angry but practicing will help maintain the speed that you accept the event or increase your ability to move quickly, let go of the anger, and go back to living a life that brings you enjoyment.
Here are the skills for a quick review:
Reduce judgments
Bring compassion to different situations
Accept events for what they are
Reduce expectations of others to think and act in the same way as you do
Practice flexibility when things don’t go as planned because they won’t
Things don’t need to be done perfectly or “correctly”
Open your mind to other viewpoints and possibilities
Stay in the present
Forgive/accept people and situations for you and not others
Keep your values and your inventory in the front of your mind
Anger can be an overwhelming emotion and it can be difficult to change the way we respond when we feel wronged. However, by practicing these 12 steps and learning how to manage your emotions, things might feel a little easier. In addition, these steps will help you to respond to things in a way that will help you achieve what is important to you including how we respond to others and how we see ourselves. These 12 steps are not a “cure all” and things do “stink” sometimes but by practicing these steps it may seem a little more possible to live a more productive and satisfying life.
Matt Manela is a Licensed, Independent, Clinical Social Worker, and a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor who has developed, researched, and implemented his 12 Step Anger Management program. He received his bachelor’s degree from the University of Rhode Island and his master’s degree from Widener University. Matt has had positions as a clinical supervisor, clinical director, and full time private practice clinician. He is currently working at Mclean Hospital as a family therapist in a residential program for adolescents managing OCD and anxiety disorders. Matt has a small private practice where he conducts his successful anger management program. He is also an adjunct professor at Massasoit Community College.