by Dr. Gary McClain, PhD
Published: LifeLines for Health, vol. 8 (Fall 2016)
Coping With Angry Feelings at Home
Felt angry lately? If you’re human, the answer is probably yes. So the better question is: What did you do about it? Something? Nothing? The wrong thing?
It’s only human to get angry. In fact, you’ve been getting angry since before you were even aware you could get angry; like that time when you were a few days old and you howled until the milk was delivered. Anger is just one more emotion along a whole range of emotions that are part of being human.
Here’s what’s ironic. While anger is an emotion that comes naturally, it is also the emotion we often have the most trouble feeling and expressing. And the emotion we often have the most trouble dealing with in others. We live in a world where we often witness anger that seems to get out of control. This leads to outbursts and hurt feelings or worse.
Life challenges bring up a lot of emotions, including anger. Living with a chronic condition, or living with someone who is living with a chronic condition, can certainly bring up a lot of anger. Whether the anger gets expressed or not, and what happens if it does, is complicated, to say the least.
Really Mad? Talk Yourself Down!
Here are some ideas on how to handle your own angry feelings:
Count to ten.
Yes, this is one of the oldest tricks in the book. You’ve probably even seen it on a sitcom or two. But I can tell you from personal experience that it works. Counting to ten gives you a chance to think, and to calm yourself down, before you react in a way you might regret later. While you’re doing that countdown, don’t forget to breathe.
Step out of the story.
Ask yourself if there is an old story behind your anger. If you hear yourself saying something like “this always happens to me” or “I never get what I want” then that’s a clue to a story you may be trying to repeat. React in the moment, to the current situation, and not to a situation in the past that this might remind you of. By staying in the moment, you will be more likely to keep that reaction from blowing up into something that it isn’t.
Reconsider your expectations.
What were you expecting (to happen, receive, hear)? And were your expectations realistic? Sometimes anger is the result of not having our expectations met. Having realistic expectations is a great way to avoid the disappointment that can lead to angry feelings. And remember: you’re not in control of everything. Isn’t that a relief?
Get clear with yourself on why you’re feeling angry.
Often, you can identify what is making you angry. Something that happened or didn’t happen. Something that someone else did or said. Situations that feel out of your control. So take a step back and look inside to
see if you can identify what’s pushing your anger button. Other times you just feel bad about the challenges that come with a chronic condition, and just want to vent. Whatever the reason is, be aware of it.
Look for the humor.
Recognizing the humor in a situation goes a long way toward balancing out that rage-rush that anger can bring on, as well as help you to keep your perspective. How about having a good laugh about how life just seems to get in the way of our plans?
Have a heart.
Chronic conditions bring up all kinds of emotions. Accept your own feelings – all of them – and let yourself be human. Give yourself a break, and you’ll be that much more able to give others a break, too. Patience! We’re all in this together.
Reach out for support.
Talk to a friend or family member who can listen without judging you for your feelings or trying to tell you what to do. Vent if you need to. Let those angry feelings out.
Take care of yourself.
Are you placing the needs of others before your own needs? Not taking care of yourself can leave you feeling emotionally or physically depleted, and especially vulnerable to resentment that leads to angry feelings. Take time for yourself every day. Take a walk, listen to music, do something you enjoy. Feeling angry is only human. You don’t have to avoid feeling angry, and you don’t have to be controlled by your anger. You have a choice!
Use Anger Productively in Family Communications
Now... let’s talk about anger that gets directed toward other family members. When one member of the family is living with a chronic condition, everybody is living with it. Day-to-day interactions at home can get tense sometimes. And when that happens, tempers can flare. Here’s how to communicate when you’re angry:
Express your feelings with the “I word.”
Start out the conversation with your partner or other family member by expressing how you feel. It can be helpful to use the “I” word and not the “you” word. Make the conversation about how you feel, not how you assume the other person is feeling. Take responsibility.
Focus on the issue.
Talking about your anger will be a lot more productive if you focus on the specific issue you are angry about. A bad day when you had plans. Something they said or did that caused you to feel hurt. Another change you have to make to accommodate your or a family member’s chronic condition. But not everything that has made you mad over the last 10 years. Caution: consistently talking about angry feelings as they arise will help you to avoid the big build-up that can lead to an explosion.
Let your family member know what you need.
Sometimes we just feel angry because of the challenges of life. No one knows this better than someone who is living with a chronic condition. You may need a little time to vent and get some support. Other times, the issue may be one that needs to be addressed with action. Your family member can’t read your mind. So tell each other what you need. The best way to promote peace is for everyone to be aware of each other’s hot buttons, and what everybody can do to either avoid pushing them, and how to get back on track after they have been pushed.
Attend to any collateral damage. For example, if your kids had to watch their parents hollering at each other. That can be scary for kids. A few hugs may be in order, along with giving them an opportunity to talk about what it was like for them, followed by some reassurance. If friends or family members were within earshot (not to mention the neighbors), you may want to reach out to them as well.
And Help Family Members Express Their Anger
And when you are on the receiving end of anger, here are some ideas that might help:
Listen. When your partner or family member directs anger toward you, your first reaction may be to put up a barrier or to become defensive. Try to remain calm and open. One way to do this is to remind yourself that they may be having a bad day and need to vent. But it may also be possible that they need to say something that, once you become aware of it, can promote more peace and harmony in your relationship. Listen and learn.
Help the other person identify the issue. Your partner or family member may not be crystal clear about what he or she is angry about. One way to help keep the anger from escalating, and potentially help to identify what is bothering them, is by asking a simple question: “How can I help you?” This shows you are listening and care. And by asking it, your family member may be able to identify what’s at stake, or to realize they simply need a listening ear.
Talk. Listen. Understand. Don’t expect to solve. Anger doesn’t always lead to a solution. Sometimes the lack of a solution is what leads to the anger in the first place. Be okay with sharing feelings and understanding each other. Be okay with acknowledging each other’s anger. Recognize what is in your control and what is not in your control, what can and can’t be changed, where you agree, and where you agree to disagree.
It’s not okay to make someone else feel like a punching bag. And you don’t have to feel like one. Sure, chronic conditions introduce lots of challenges and frustrations. At some point, it may be necessary to gently let your partner know you are willing to help, and listen, but that you aren’t there to be verbally abused. Repeat as needed.
Caution: Unexpressed anger can lead to depression. Depression is sometimes referred to as anger turned inward. Create an environment at home in which it’s okay to talk about feelings. Watch your children for signs of depression! Symptoms can include withdrawing, loss of interest, changes in eating or sleeping habits. It may be time to sit down and have a talk.
Remember:
Compassion is a boomerang. Show love to yourself by feeling how you feel and not denying your own
emotions. Show love to your family members by being willing to hear how they are feeling, even when the conversation isn’t so easy to listen to. That’s compassion.
How about starting the conversation with: “I love you.”
Gary McClain, PhD, LMHC, is a therapist, patient advocate, and author, specializing in helping clients deal with the emotional impact of chronic and life-threatening illnesses, as well as their families and professional caregivers. He works with them to understand and cope with their emotions, to learn about their lifestyle and treatment options, to maintain compliance with medical regimens, to communicate effectively with the medical establishment, and to listen to their own inner voice as they make decisions about the future. His email is: gary@JustGotDiagnosed.com. He welcomes your questions and comments.